the beaverton

New Jordan Peterson book asserts all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

I wrote this piece for The Beaverton Online.

Them's the facts.

Them's the facts.

Here's an excerpt:

"Excerpts from the book have already been posted online. One passage tweeted by @wellactually from Chapter Three: You Can’t Spell Women Without Meow, reads, “Cats are the sexy ones. That’s the main way you know they’re girls. In cartoons they are always swishing their tails as if they are hips and batting their eyelashes like a hot lady.” A threaded tweet reveals a footnote that reads “You ever see a boy dress as a cat for halloween? Boom!” The tweet has been shared over ten thousand times."

Read the full piece here.

Thirty-year-old man horny for twenty-year-old’s old soul

I wrote this piece for The Beaverton online.

Keeping it nonchalent with sunglasses indoors.

Keeping it nonchalent with sunglasses indoors.

Here's an excerpt:

“At first my friends and I thought he was a TA from one of our classes because he kept looking over at us and smiling,” Olivia told reporters, adding that the backpack Marshall was wearing made it hard to tell he was a grown man. “It wasn’t until later in the night when he bummed a cigarette off of me and spoke at length about the film podcasts he listens to that I realized he was just some guy.”

Read the full piece here.

Pizza Pizza introduces new 16” creamy garlic dip

I wrote this piece for The Beaverton online.

Mmm. That's the shit.

Mmm. That's the shit.

Here's an excerpt:

Each 16” dip, which holds twelve servings, includes a free Pizza Pizza Ladle Ladle™ for sauce distribution. Product testimonials released to the public indicate that while 25% of test consumers enjoyed folding their pizza in half and dunking it in the dip, 30% preferred submerging their pizza inside the container and letting it marinate. 45% ate the dip on its own directly from the container with one subject referring to it as ‘viscous crack’.

Read the full piece here.

Costco kiosks offering free sample tastes of bleach

I wrote this piece for The Beaverton online.

Ah yes, a sample red cup.

Ah yes, a sample red cup.

Here's an excerpt:

“Some folks sample the variety of bleaches we’re offering in an attempt to become a more conscious buyer, whereas others grab a cup because they’re feeling thirsty as they shop,” remarked Jason Celin who has tended a bleach kiosk for two years. “Now and then I let young ones have two, as long as their parents say it’s okay.”

Read the full piece here.

Kingston renamed Queen’s University Theme Park

I wrote this piece for The Beaverton online.

It's a small campus after all.

It's a small campus after all.

Here's an excerpt:

“For years we tried to show people that Kingston was more than teens slamming their jackets on the ground,” sniffled Paterson, looking wistfully into a Kingston snowglobe. “The city has an entire personality outside of Queens. I mean, Bryan Adams is from here! Gord Downie is from here… Uhm. I’m from here.”

Read the full piece here.

Dad approaches Home Depot employee like a well versed pick-up artist

I wrote this piece for the Beaverton online.

A dad probably showing off by asking a questions whose intricacy reveals he already knows the answer.

A dad probably showing off by asking a questions whose intricacy reveals he already knows the answer.

It's a satirical news article. Here's an excerpt:

He seemed unfazed by my complete disinterest,” Sims told the press, “He showed me a bunch of blueprints for a bannister on his Blackberry and kept repeating that his neighbour who is a contractor said they were ‘pretty good’. There was nothing I could do but smile and nod.

Read the full article here.