spy kids

Teen Vogue Did a Piece on Megan Trainor’s Engagement As If It Wasn’t To A Fucking Spy Kid

I wrote this piece for The Brunch Club

This face deserves respect.

This face deserves respect.

It's an article written from the perspective of an inflated version of my self. Here's an excerpt:

So go ahead, Teen Vogue. Keep calling what you’re doing reporting. I’ll keep microwaving dog shit and calling it dinner. Maybe I’ll wash it down with a scalding cup of piss and call it wine. Because apparently journalistic integrity doesn’t matter anymore! I guess any ol’ rejected Northwestern applicant can log online and squirt out an engagement announcement without including the essential detail that one member of the new union once piloted a genetically modified gorilla-spider, also known as a Spider Monkey, against a genetically modified lizard-dinosaur, also known as a Slizzard, and won, saving both him and his sister from near certain death.

Read the full piece here.