Here's an excerpt:
4. Unexpectedly see them in public and earnestly wish for death. Avoid eye contact at all costs. If you’re across the room from them take off your glasses and clean them so if they look at you, you can look down, or even look around, saying “I can’t see on account of my glasses being off.” Say this regardless of having glasses. If they’re headed in your direction turn to face the wall. Give it a little knock and say, “Still good.” Pretend to take a phone call and yell very loudly, “Get me out of here, I’m scared!” If you’re with a friend, grab them by the collar and exclaim, “No you listen!” and run in the opposite direction. If they see you smile, they will think, ‘somebody has a crush!’. If they see you not smiling, they will think ‘that person must be avoiding smiling as not to indicate the big big crush they have on me.’ No matter what you do, they will know. How fucking embarrassing for you, you stupid stupid idiot.
Read the full piece here.