Nation’s women ready to start the five stages of grief again tomorrow

I wrote this piece for The Beaverton online.

 What a nice preview of Kavanaugh’s cool temperament.

What a nice preview of Kavanaugh’s cool temperament.

Here’s an excerpt:

“In a perfect world I’d stay angry for a bit longer, but there are only 24 hours in a day,” said Meredith Dillard, 37, who juggles a job, kids, and the inescapable endless stream of rape apologist content on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, television, the radio, and in everyday conversation. “I just don’t have the time to indulge like that with tomorrow’s grief coming up!”

Read the full piece here.

New Jordan Peterson book asserts all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

I wrote this piece for The Beaverton Online.

 Them's the facts.

Them's the facts.

Here's an excerpt:

"Excerpts from the book have already been posted online. One passage tweeted by @wellactually from Chapter Three: You Can’t Spell Women Without Meow, reads, “Cats are the sexy ones. That’s the main way you know they’re girls. In cartoons they are always swishing their tails as if they are hips and batting their eyelashes like a hot lady.” A threaded tweet reveals a footnote that reads “You ever see a boy dress as a cat for halloween? Boom!” The tweet has been shared over ten thousand times."

Read the full piece here.

Thirty-year-old man horny for twenty-year-old’s old soul

I wrote this piece for The Beaverton online.

 Keeping it nonchalent with sunglasses indoors.

Keeping it nonchalent with sunglasses indoors.

Here's an excerpt:

“At first my friends and I thought he was a TA from one of our classes because he kept looking over at us and smiling,” Olivia told reporters, adding that the backpack Marshall was wearing made it hard to tell he was a grown man. “It wasn’t until later in the night when he bummed a cigarette off of me and spoke at length about the film podcasts he listens to that I realized he was just some guy.”

Read the full piece here.

Pizza Pizza introduces new 16” creamy garlic dip

I wrote this piece for The Beaverton online.

 Mmm. That's the shit.

Mmm. That's the shit.

Here's an excerpt:

Each 16” dip, which holds twelve servings, includes a free Pizza Pizza Ladle Ladle™ for sauce distribution. Product testimonials released to the public indicate that while 25% of test consumers enjoyed folding their pizza in half and dunking it in the dip, 30% preferred submerging their pizza inside the container and letting it marinate. 45% ate the dip on its own directly from the container with one subject referring to it as ‘viscous crack’.

Read the full piece here.

How To Have A Crush And Never Do Anything About It

I wrote this piece for the Fckgirls Manifesto Blog.

 I think this is by the artist/crush of mine Rubyetc? 

I think this is by the artist/crush of mine Rubyetc? 

Here's an excerpt:

4. Unexpectedly see them in public and earnestly wish for death. Avoid eye contact at all costs. If you’re across the room from them take off your glasses and clean them so if they look at you, you can look down, or even look around, saying “I can’t see on account of my glasses being off.” Say this regardless of having glasses. If they’re headed in your direction turn to face the wall. Give it a little knock and say, “Still good.” Pretend to take a phone call and yell very loudly, “Get me out of here, I’m scared!” If you’re with a friend, grab them by the collar and exclaim, “No you listen!” and run in the opposite direction. If they see you smile, they will think, ‘somebody has a crush!’. If they see you not smiling, they will think ‘that person must be avoiding smiling as not to indicate the big big crush they have on me.’ No matter what you do, they will know. How fucking embarrassing for you, you stupid stupid idiot.

Read the full piece here.

Costco kiosks offering free sample tastes of bleach

I wrote this piece for The Beaverton online.

 Ah yes, a sample red cup.

Ah yes, a sample red cup.

Here's an excerpt:

“Some folks sample the variety of bleaches we’re offering in an attempt to become a more conscious buyer, whereas others grab a cup because they’re feeling thirsty as they shop,” remarked Jason Celin who has tended a bleach kiosk for two years. “Now and then I let young ones have two, as long as their parents say it’s okay.”

Read the full piece here.

Canadians tacitly accept ‘Rim’ and ‘Win’ as a rhyme for 32nd year in a row

I wrote this piece for the Beaverton online.

 The two extra R's can't save you now.

The two extra R's can't save you now.

Here's an excerpt:

In 2018, Tim Hortons will give away over six hundred free prizes valued at five thousand dollars or more, all while using one slogan valued at five dollars or less. The slogan joins the long list of other bad things Canadians have accepted with a tepid shrug including; Canadian Tire money being legal tender, the first-past-the-post electoral system, and René Angélil essentially making Céline Dion a child bride.

Read the full piece here.

Kingston renamed Queen’s University Theme Park

I wrote this piece for The Beaverton online.

 It's a small campus after all.

It's a small campus after all.

Here's an excerpt:

“For years we tried to show people that Kingston was more than teens slamming their jackets on the ground,” sniffled Paterson, looking wistfully into a Kingston snowglobe. “The city has an entire personality outside of Queens. I mean, Bryan Adams is from here! Gord Downie is from here… Uhm. I’m from here.”

Read the full piece here.

Priest uses Thursday Mass to test out new material

I wrote this piece for The Beaverton online.

 Hallelujah to a new 10 minutes.

Hallelujah to a new 10 minutes.

It's a satirical news article. Here's an excerpt:

“This neighbourhood has a lot of mainstream churchgoers, a lot of young kids and nanas. They love Noah’s Arc, Signs of The Cross type stuff. I’m a bit of an alternative Pastor, much more into passages from Philemon. Job has some great stuff too, he was way before his time. I’m hoping to get them on board with The Good Samaritan, and then start into some lesser known parables.”

Read the full article here.

Teen Vogue Did a Piece on Megan Trainor’s Engagement As If It Wasn’t To A Fucking Spy Kid

I wrote this piece for The Brunch Club

 This face deserves respect.

This face deserves respect.

It's an article written from the perspective of an inflated version of my self. Here's an excerpt:

So go ahead, Teen Vogue. Keep calling what you’re doing reporting. I’ll keep microwaving dog shit and calling it dinner. Maybe I’ll wash it down with a scalding cup of piss and call it wine. Because apparently journalistic integrity doesn’t matter anymore! I guess any ol’ rejected Northwestern applicant can log online and squirt out an engagement announcement without including the essential detail that one member of the new union once piloted a genetically modified gorilla-spider, also known as a Spider Monkey, against a genetically modified lizard-dinosaur, also known as a Slizzard, and won, saving both him and his sister from near certain death.

Read the full piece here.

Dad approaches Home Depot employee like a well versed pick-up artist

I wrote this piece for the Beaverton online.

 A dad probably showing off by asking a questions whose intricacy reveals he already knows the answer.

A dad probably showing off by asking a questions whose intricacy reveals he already knows the answer.

It's a satirical news article. Here's an excerpt:

He seemed unfazed by my complete disinterest,” Sims told the press, “He showed me a bunch of blueprints for a bannister on his Blackberry and kept repeating that his neighbour who is a contractor said they were ‘pretty good’. There was nothing I could do but smile and nod.

Read the full article here.

Hot Sibling Placed at Front in Christmas Card Photo

I wrote this piece for The Beaverton online.

 Arguably, none of these siblings are hotter than another. I didn't choose the photo.

Arguably, none of these siblings are hotter than another. I didn't choose the photo.

It's a satirical news article. Excerpts include:

Previous Wiley family Christmas cards included Christine dressed as a mischievous elf with Lindsay and Jack in reindeer masks, Christine as a sexy wiseman, and Lindsay and Jack as two, far less sexy wisemen.

Read the full article here.

The Joketown Crier: Volume One

The world of my monthly show was expanded by it's co-creator, Alain Mercieca, and the fantastic Tracy Hurren and Alison Naturale of Drawn & Quarterly. It was not a Drawn & Quarterly publication, I just wanted to brag about having cool friends.

 Keith Jones amazing map of Joketown.

Keith Jones amazing map of Joketown.

Together we created The Joketown Crier, a nonsense newspaper with everything from bizarre comics to phony music reviews to fake advertisements. It's kind of like a MAD magazine but more warm and absurd. It's only available in print, so below are peaks at two excerpts I wrote.

 An article I wrote under a pseudonym.

An article I wrote under a pseudonym.

 Some obituaries I put together.

Some obituaries I put together.

If you really want a print copy, visit my contact page and tell me so. I'll mail one to you.